THE DENTIST
Today I had to go visit my dentist for a much needed check up and teeth cleaning. I arrived at the offices of Pain, Paine, and Morpain on time. The receptionist called my name and showed me into a cubicle. “ Dr. Morpain will be with you shortly” She said and disappeared. I looked around the room and noticed all the appropriate certificates.
I became a tad unsettled to see Dr. Morpain in a picture with Steve Martin from the movie, The Little Shop of Horrors. I looked closer and saw the inscription…Dr. M…thanks for letting me observe. I think I got all your nuances.” It was signed by Steve Martin and someone named Audrey ll.
Dr. Morpain walked in looking very much like Sir Laurence Olivier in the movie Marathon Man. He said hello, smiled then asked me to open wide. As he looked and poked in my mouth he had that standard office patter.”Uh huh, hmmm, ooh,” etc. I had the feeling as he was looking and making ominous sounds that he was not really looking at my dental problems as much as he was performing a wallet biopsy for some hidden agenda. (Hmmm, was Hawaii, uh huh, Easter in Cabo, ooh, redecorating the kitchen.)
He apologized for not being able to work on my mouth himself today. It seemed he had just injured his hand the previous day. A domestic accident he claimed, although I believed it was a large blister caused by having to play too much golf the previous afternoon.
I was just as glad as I had seen this man over a 2-foot putt and would not have been comfortable had he been holding a drill 6 inches from my mouth. There are no “gimmees” in oral surgery.
He called for the nurse and left to take a phone call. I overheard him talking about bite but I believe it related more to golf balls then it did to my mouth.
The nurse came In and introduced herself. “Hi, my name is Ilsa, Vee vill be vorking on der mout today, Yah?” She informed me first she would be taking “zee X-rays’ and prepared me.
As she stuck a cardboard square about the size, shape and consistency of a scrabble cube in my mouth, she told me to bite down and hold it.
She put on a large lead smock and leapt behind a solid metal screen. I heard a whirrr and had the sneaking suspicion I would never again re-produce or have to worry about haircut appointments. After doing this about 4 times, she said we’d now go to “der teeth cleaning”.
The next question was asked in a warm, sensual voice, but her tone sent a chill through me. “have jew ever had trouble mit novocaine.?”. I said no and it was then I comprehended the full meaning of the term “loves her work”.
With a glazed look in her eyes she pulled out a 6-inch needle, gave me a dopey grin and inserted the needle IN, although it felt like THROUGH my cheek. When she pushed down on the plunger I thought I heard her moan. She told me to relax.
As my body arched and my extremities played turtle, she plunged deeper and said “I’m hurting you, No?”. She pulled out the novocaine needle. It was then I discovered, or rather felt, that my underwear contained all the major excretory samples I would ever need for my next visit to the internist.
As my mouth began to numb she assembled the tools of her trade. Pliers, drill, picks, assorted drill bits, and lots of long sharp silver thingys which probably had not been named yet…all glistening and reflecting in the light.
Another scary vision appeared. She had on a full Plexiglas face shield and rubber gloves. I of course had nothing to protect me but my smile.
I was up to the 6th grade in life flashbacks when I realized the bad news. I was going to live. She turned on the drill and simultaneously inserted a device in my mouth I had only seen used once before in a bondage video. As she dove into her work (my mouth), I heard a high pitch whine as the drill started to scrape plaque off my teeth.
I closed my eyes and prayed. She was very chatty, and asked numerous detailed questions which needed to be answered in complete sentences. I was reduced to grunting. Fortunately the novocaine was working and I did not feel anything. In about a half-hour she was done.
Upon completion she had the look of someone wanting to have a cigarette. I was glad it had been good for her. As for me, well, let’s just say I was unfulfilled.
I got up from my chair, and left. The receptionist asked on my way out when I could come back again. I mumbled something but my words were not coherent, as all that came out was drool.
I raced to my car and drove home. All that mattered was I was safe and hopefully within the next couple hours I would be able to take solid foods again.
© 2023 Kenneth Kates
That was a great one. I am terrified going to a dentist.
Great read. I could see her and hear that voice. Good laugh for the day.